Eurovision Part II-Results

It’s my favorite part! Douze Point! Twelve points! It is time for every country to call in with a scary representative who tries to be funny. NB: The male announcers are always 100 times creepier than the female ones. While watching this, I wonder who decided the two languages were going to be French and English for this competition.  Every country calls in and speaks English, except…you guessed it…France and surprisingly Belgium. Belgium sucks up to France by giving it 12 points. Yeah Belgium, that bad pop-opera really deserved that. Go eat a waffle, you Walloons!

Why do I love the scoring part so much? You can see what countries other countries really hate. You cannot vote for your own country, so you have to pick the neighboring country that is the least repulsive or at least didn’t attack you in the last fifty years. The German commentator/translator on the German channel has to explain why countries vote the way they do. “Ah Israel gave ten points to Russia. That is because there is a big Russian contingent in Israel.” What goes unsaid is why Israel doesn’t vote for Germany.

Also as I said before the people announcing the how the people of their country voted are really awkward. For example, the guy from Cyprus just said to the host in Germany, “Oh my god, you are so beautiful!”

Now as a country’s representative you can go a couple of ways:

1. Cute and bubbly in a pageant gown. (My personal favorite) Sorry you will have to turn the volume up.

2. Try to awkwardly reference the year’s theme and stall for time which makes the host hate you.

After the points are handed out by a country, the camera pans to the “green room” to see the team from the country that received the coveted 12 points. These pod things that they sit in makes me think of the senate in The Phantom Menace.

As more and more of the points are tallied, I begin to feel really sorry for the countries in last place. Poor Spain and Estonia 😦

And Germany is not even in the top five! Way to go Germany! It was a brilliant idea to send last year’s winner, because if I know one thing about the human race it is that they love anti climatic moments.

And the winner is Azerbaijan!!! Do you remember what they sang? I didn’t! But the guy says he is the happiest man in the world right now, which is kinda adorable.  Now they sing Running Scared again. It’s off key!!!

Here they are winning and you can see the senate pods they sit in. Also are they playing the Olympics Fanfare?! Are you allowed to use this for a non-Olympics event?

Recap of Eurovision Song Contest 2011 Part 1

So here I am waiting for it to begin. It is almost time for the Olympics of music competitions.  I can already predict that there will be a lot of sequins and fans. I wonder if there has ever been a horrible sequin-in-the-eye mishap. From the views of Dusseldorf they are showing, I can tell that I am not going to be impressed when I go to a conference there in June. In happier news I have discovered a Eurovision Song Contest drinking game on The Guardian’s website. Here are some of the places you take a drink:

– The hosts misguidedly attempt to flirt with each other

– A song rhymes ‘fire’ with ‘desire’

– While announcing their country’s voting scores, a presenter unsuccessfully tries to chat up the host

The last one I find the most awkward. This feeling is not helped since the presenter is usually clothed in beauty-pageant wear.

21:00 The main sponsor is the hair product brand Schwarzkopf (lit. blackhead). This always makes me laugh. They just welcomed those watching alone (me) or in parties (not me).

21:03 Since Lena, last year’s winner, is competing she can’t sing her song as is usual at the beginning, so the host are singing. It is truly horrific, but they are making fun of her strange pronunciation of English words so I approve.  The song is not improved by singing it in the style of Brian Setzer. And now a bunch of girls dressed up like Lena (black dress and long brown hair) are waving different flags around.

21:07 OMG Lena has taken the stage after all to help them butcher a song she has sung a trillion times! It must be weird to be surrounded people in a you-costume.

21:13 Paradise Oskar is singing a song he wrote for the Finns’ entry called “Da Da Dam” (which surprisingly is the mind-blowingly deep chorus). And with the opening lines, “Peter is smart, he knows his European country by heart” he is off to a fantastic start. It apparently is cute little song about a little Finnish boy trying to save the planet. Maybe the Finns are going for simplicity since it worked for Lena last year. From Wikipedia I find out Paradise’s real first name is Axel. WTF?! Why change a name that Eddie Murphy made famous?!

Look man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe

21:18 Bosnia & Herzegovina…Two words: Plaid Jacket. Maybe I am now biased towards Bosnia, but I kinda like the song and the bit of horn music.

21:21 A Friend in London sings their song “A New Tomorrow.” I might be biased towards Denmark now, but I hate this song. The positivity of the first three songs is making me ill. If only America could compete, we could offer up a song about shooting terrorists in the eye. The guitarist had to run to another part of the stage it was about a 500 meter run (it was kinda like when Denethor of Gondor ran on fire to jump to his death.) They must not be singing live or the Danes are in great shape, because he is not even winded.

21:26 Lithuania: ok my new drinking game is to take a drink when someone says tomorrow. Fog machine, white piano, and male pianist wearing a white tux. Only Tom Hanks in Big could pull that one off. (There you go, Kate).

21:29 They are showing pictures of the Viktualienmarkt in Munich! Go Munich!

21:30 Hungary has Kati Wolf singing “What about my Dreams?” She wants to be Celine, but it is not working out. Oh wait dance beat starts, she wins the future! She is very thin but her shiny blue dress is giving her stomach pouch. (Memo to self: avoid stomach pouch dresses). There are male dancers in the back wearing the Hungarian uniform for white guys trying to look cool: Fubu. Now the Fubunauts’ wrists and crotches are glowing. Finally! This is why I watch this show, glowing crotches.

21:34 The band Jedward from Ireland is wearing shiny red jackets that Bowie would drown a kitten for. Their video display in the background looks like a Target ad. I want to buy some throw pillows now.

These are toned down from what they wore

21:37 The Shhhvidish guy, named Eric (I kid not), has magic frames a la the “Take On Me” video but behind the frames they just look dumb and not like 80s drawings. He is trying to use a non-subliminal message to win by saying he will be popular. Nice try. Now I know what the frames are supposed to represent…they are mirrors into which our little Swedish Stuart Smalley can look into and convince himself that “people like me.”

21:42 Estonia: I am pretty sure Jack McBrayer is one of the dancers; he is decidedly chinless and does the wide-eyed thing.

Not Pictured: Kenneth the Page

21:45 The Greek guys (again only guys, Greece?!) are kind of scary looking. Their song is called “Watch my Dance.” Ok then, I will.  F-Bomb! Greek pop mixed with bad English rap, Aristotle would be so proud. Their backdrop is made up of ionic columns. Thanks for the reminder that once you guys produced good stuff. All I can think of is are we only on number nine?

21:49 Russia has a guy singing a song called “Get You.” I think he is singing in English, but I can’t concentrate because of the 90s boy band dance moves. Backflip, while lip-syncing. I am impressed.

21:53 The French guy is singing a song called “Sognu”, while Bolero plays in the background. His hair is a little like Opera Man’s. Wow, way too much of my brain is taken up remembering old SNL characters. This song sucks, and I am not saying this because my iPhone was stolen in Paris.

21:57 The Italians have a ‘jazz’ song called “Madness Of Love.” The singer has been enjoying too much of his mama’s cooking, and that lame joke is all I can make about this lackluster performance/song.

22:02 Switzerland! My least favorite European country! The girl’s song is called “In Love for Awhile.” A ukulele cannot save this. Her background is like a Jimmy Dean Sausage commercial.

22:06 The UK’s group Blue is singing a song “I Can.” Interwebs correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t the UK in last place last year? They are dressed in blue suits with cummerbunds and their black shirts unbuttoned, making them look like drunk, douchey members of a wedding party. I have been an Anglophile my entire life. This is making me question my unconditional love.

When I looked up a picture of Blue, I got a horrible nude picture of one of the singers. My eyes, my eyes!

22:11 Moldova is up next. I had to look up where Moldova is, but that didn’t explain to me why they are wearing wizard hats. Now there is a girl in a white lacey dress on a unicycle with a white wizard hat. You think you would get someone good at unicycling for this.

You can see the fear in her face

22:15 Good luck and we are pressing our thumbs, for LENA!!! This year she has sprung for backup dancers in silver leotards and a jumpsuit (bad choice).  The dancers aren’t dancing, they are doing choreography and really do look like “ducks that are dying.” Lena is going for a slutty, drunk girl look to distract from this song that is going nowhere fast.

"I am so over Eurovision!"

22: 20 Romania is going to change the world, but not alone. The drummer apparently borrowed the Bosnian singer’s jacket.

22:24 Austria’s girl is starting a capella and is telling me that the secret is in me…it’s love! The music is a little like the build-up part of “Without You.” When it crescendos though to the chorus you realize that that song is amazing and this song blows.

22:27 Azerbaijan. I love saying Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Try it! Their song is called “Running Scared” and the girls are wearing white toga like dresses and dancing like the Hermoine Gingold and her pals in Music Man. “One Grecian Urn!”

22:31 Slovenia’s Maja Keuc sings “No One.” I already like the depressing feel and the leather fingerless gloves. She says she is going to stand on her own without you (shit boyfriend), while standing with a bunch of backup singers. Just remember the message of this song, no one will ever really love you. Take that other countries with your messages of hope and love.

22:38 Sjonni’s Friends from Iceland will sing a song called “Coming Home.” Have I ever mentioned I much I love the name of the Icelandic historian Snorri Sturluson? Well now I have. Holy crap! Why has Iceland sent their version of the Osmond brothers? And why are they using a Partridge Family background? I have seen praise bands cooler than these guys. Seriously the piano they are using looks like one in a church basement.

I think there is some emotional story behind this song, but I don't care

22:41 Oh thank god, we are on number 22! Spain! Take it away! They are singing Que Me Quiten Lo Bailao which Google translate tells me means “Remove me what Bailao.” Indeed! It is catchy and the lead singer girl is cute.

22:44 They are showing Ukrainian students in the English Garden here in Munich. See Germany won’t throw you East Europeans out right away. Now Ukraine presents a song called “Angel.” The blonde singer is wearing a dress with feather epaulets. I have seen classier outfits on your country’s figure skaters. Honey, you want to suggest an angel not be one. Remember what happened to the overly literal Belarussian with butterfly costumes last year?

22:49 Serbia has Nina singing Čaroban which means magical. Nina has Twiggy hair and British 60s dances moves to match. I kinda love it, but that is probably because my dad named me after a 60s British actress.

My namesake

22:53 Georgia wraps up the performances with “One More Day.” One more song is more like it! Screaming, flashing lights, men wearing eyeliner. Georgia hates you!

Alright the lines are open! Vote now. I think I am voting for Bosnia or maybe Ireland.

Favorite Things Thursday: Hodler’s Die Lebensmüden

It’s that time again, time to look at more of the Neue Pinakothek’s collection. Today is a little different though because it is a painting I actually like, not just a painting I like making fun of. It is called Die Lebensmüden. It is usually referred to in English as “Tired of Life”, but when you plug it into Google translate it also gives the translation of “The Disillusioned”. Never one to argue with Google (they know too much about me), I think this title is also fitting. The title, “How Sue Felt the Wednesday after Fasching,” would also have been appropriate.

Photo: pinakothek.de

It was painted in 1892 by Ferdinand Holder. According to Wikipedia he is one of the best-known Swiss painters of the 19th century, which to me means practically nothing. (Switzerland, I kid because I love…other countries besides yours). He also seems to have been a ladies man/angel of death.

Evidence:

1. Father and two brothers died of TB

2. Mother then died of TB

3. All his remaining siblings died of TB

4. Mistress died of cancer. This was the woman he was with while he was married to he second wife.

 

Helloooo, Ladies 😉

Reasons to love him:

1. His first wife was named Bertha and his second named Berthe. Smart thinking, Ferdy! No chance of accidentally calling second wife by first wife’s name.

2. His son founded the World Esperanto Association. Who among us when studying a foreign language has not wanted to create a perfect language instead of the messes that we have to learn.

3. This painting.

Food Friday: Fasching Kra…WTF?!

I am feeling decidedly uncreative today, so I thought you, the reader,  should do my work for me. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to explain the donut at the top on the right side.

Huh???

Yes that is a syringe. I believe it is filled with strawberry icing, but that  is just a guess. The best explanation wins a prize from Germany. Do not worry, it will not be one of those donuts.

Close-up

And just in case you don’t remember the last year’s German donut lesson, here it is:

So as Fasching approaches all the stores are decorating.  This mostly means one is surrounded by clowns and feather boas.  The bakeries have all their different types of Krapfen out on display. I have now eaten two and I think I have reached my donut limit for the rest of the year.

But as you know German is a fun language and Bavarians and Austrians often have their own names for things. So if I do want another and am in Berlin I cannot just ask for Krapfen.

So if you would ever like a doughnut filled with stuff in Germany around carnival season, here is what you need to know:

1. In Bavarian and Austria = Krapfen
2. In most of the rest of Germany = Berliner
3. In Berlin = Pfannkuchen. This makes perfect sense because that word in the rest of Germany means a type of pancake. Why would we want to make this easy on anyone?!

Club Critic’s Corner: Heart (with diagrams)

Disclaimer: I am in no way qualified to be a critic of Munich’s clubs/bars. (I wonder if there are night courses or something you could take to get a certificate in club criticism). I can’t dance, am easily bored by a lot of music they play,  and hate getting elbowed repeatedly.  Also my personal motto, which I stole from Groucho is “whatever it is, I am against it.” Unlike Groucho, I do not sing this line.

The wonderful thing about Germany in general and Munich in particular, is that it doesn’t matter if you can’t dance. Many people here can’t dance, but that doesn’t stop them. It seems like at some point in the night–whether it is a small party or a huge club–someone shouts the following and the bouncing and wiggling starts.

(Also I watched this clip about ten times this morning)

That being said, I realized Tuesdays didn’t really have a theme, so naturally they should be devoted to thoughtful and insightful critiques of Munich’s night spots. So here goes:

Heart (on Lenbachplatz) kinda blows.

The Space:  It is not really set up to be what it is used for now. As a restaurant it is fine, but if you want to go out to drink and dance this is not really the place.  To help you visualize the space, I have created a diagram that unlike Doc’s models is completely to scale and painted.  I did however forget the “t” in support.

That is right, there is no space between the disgustingly bloated bar and the booths. My friends were dancing on the small step above the floor that is next to the booths. This only works if you wear a size 6 shoe (I am going to say size 36 European) or studied ballet. It wouldn’t be so bad, but like most places they want to pack it with as many people as possible. Thus, every square inch of the floor (white on the diagram) is packed with people.

The place is pretty enough as you can see from the photo…when no one is in there.

The People: I guess it is trying to be shi shi, so the people are rather dressed up (an anathema to me!) Generally the people seemed a little snobby (since I am unemployed, to me everyone with a good job looks like a jerk). On the Saturday I was there the median age would be about 42.3. That is the one good thing about Munich’s clubs/bars; it doesn’t matter how old you are you can still go out and drink and bounce.

The Music: Like many places here in Munich, the selection of songs would strike many Americans as odd. Yes, some places play the electric/dance stuff that is currently popular but you will often hear music from the 50s-90s (and not always the classic songs, it seems more often to be the B-sides).  Perhaps the DJ wasn’t very good that night but there seemed to be no order to what he was playing,  no interesting mixes, and he let the songs play to the end.

Why is that bad? Well, although I love Paul Simon, when I am out at night I don’t really want to hear all of “You Can Call Me Al” or the theme to “Beverly Hills Cop.” Great songs, yes. Songs for a club, ehhhh not so much.

But don’t worry, what the music lack in appropriateness it made up for in volume.

Sue’s Club Rule Number 1: If there is no space to dance, turn the music down so at least we can talk.  Otherwise you just get to stand there awkwardly and have your hearing damaged.

Alright, I am off now to watch Chevy Chase lip sync and tower over Paul Simon. (It really is a great song).

Manic Munich Monday: Excessive Honesty

The German stereotype of Americans I hear most often is that we are fake.  Some have rightly said that with many Americans you cannot tell where you stand with them.  I would agree that this, like many stereotypes, is somewhat accurate of many from my homeland. Nevertheless, sometimes I really miss polite, white lies.

Now you might say, Sue you are one of the most tactless individuals on the planet. You in fact relish in saying whatever is on your mind even when that makes you look like a crazy, heartless b*#&%.  And you would be right. This should give you a sense of just how brutally honest many people in Munich are, if I find it uncomfortable.

Perhaps the place where this excessive honesty is most often on display is at dinner parties.

Now if you are like me and raised in what the those crazy kids in congress today are calling “The Real America”, you were taught that when you are a guest in someone’s home you eat what they serve.  Just to be safe you should probably ask for seconds. It doesn’t matter if it tastes like dog food or, in fact, if it is dog food. You must be polite and eat it without comment, if you are not able to say something nice. The only way around this is to claim you have a food allergy. But you must carefully deploy this excuse. For example, the host has prepared a casserole (see I told you I was from “The Real America”) with  melted cheese, crushed up saltines, and broccoli in some sort of off-brand cream of mushroom soup that tastes slightly of gasoline.  If you say you are lactose intolerant, you better make damn sure that for the rest of the time you know this person you are never again seen with ice cream, cheese pizza, or other dairy products that make life worth living.

In Munich this, at least, is not a problem. Do you not like something? Well pick it out and shove it to the side. Don’t bother trying to hide it. If they ask you how you like something, say it is alright but you wouldn’t have used so much sugar. Pasta overcooked? Tell them to go back and make a new batch, you will wait.

What is most surprising to me is that German hosts don’t seem to mind. If you say something is good, be prepared to explain why otherwise they will be suspicious. I try to find one small thing I am not crazy about to comment on so they think I am being honest. Maybe the day I complain about the amount of salt in the soup, I will know I am a real Municher.

Pictured: No holds barred honesty. (Actually this is the first picture of a dinner party I found. Everyone agreed the food was amazing. Probably because so many of the guests were Canadian)

Watching What We Say: Lessons from Dachau

It didn’t take long for those in the news to forget recent calls for less inflammatory political  speech following the shootings in Arizona.  I did not fare much better.  It would not be an exaggeration to say that 97.3% of what I utter is hyperbolic.  A clip from last night’s The Daily Show about the hypocrisy of Fox News condemning the recent comparisons of Nazi propaganda and that of the Republican party, which were made by Rep. Steve Cohen (D), reminded me to think seriously about what I say.

You can watch the clip here.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-january-24-2011/24-hour-nazi-party-people

As I sat there disgusted by those on Fox News, I realized that I am guilty of this myself. I actually called a woman the Sauna Nazi here in Munich.  Such comparisons between Nazi leaders and the people with whom we disagree is not only disingenuous but is frankly an insult to the memory of the victims of the Nazis. Seriously, I was comparing a bossy lady at the sauna to the people who organized book burnings outside of the building where I  now write my dissertation.  Working in what was once the Nazi Party headquarters which is opposite the Führer‘s building (where Hilter’s office used to be), you would think I would find this history hard to forget or at least hard to make light of.  But unfortunately it is not.

Almost a year ago my cousin and I took the S-Bahn to the outskirts of Munich. In less than 30 minutes, I stood at the site of the first Nazi concentration camp opened in Germany. Here at Dachau, which became the model for all later concentration camps, unspeakable horrors were carried out under the Nazis. When the camp was liberated, the Allies found more than 32,000 prisoners packed into 20 barracks that were only meant to hold 250each. The gas chambers here were never used. Possibly they were not required as sickness and brutality killed prisoners at truly awful rates.  It was horrible just visiting the site and the museum more than half a century later, but I am glad I went.  You can watch movies, you can read books, but standing where the prisoners were tortured and humiliated is an unforgettable and life changing experience. Or so I thought.

I know humor is how we cope with the things we fear, but I hope that I can remember not to let it desensitize me to such atrocities.  I believe spending just a short time remembering what happened at Dachau (not to mention the loss of life that occurred in the city all around me), is something we should all do  from time to time to not only re-sensitize us to the meaning of our words but also in memory of the victims.  Maybe then we will reserve the label Nazi for the Nazis.

I know all of what I just said is unoriginal, but I think it is worth being said and said again.  I guess I wrote this to remind myself and hopefully other people to simply watch what we say.

Food Friday: Ritter Sport

[Waldenbuch, 1932, 3am]

Clara: Schatzi, wake up!

Alfred: (German swear words) what is it?

Clara: I have an idea.

Alfred: (more German swear words) what is it this time?

Clara: We should make a chocolate bar that fits into everyone’s jacket pocket.

Alfred: hmph, can’t we talk about this in the morning?

And thus the Ritter Sport was born!

 

Mmmm, chocolate

Ok, so I made up that it happened in the middle of the night and that Alfred Ritter swore like a sailor, but the rest is accurate. NB: Pocket does not mean jeans pocket because no one wore them in 1930s Germany and it would get all melty and gross.  Now you know why this chocolate bar that is full of fat and other goodness can have the name Sport. If you walk/run while eating the pieces in your pocket it almost makes up for eating one of these.

Yes, they now sell Ritter Sport in the States, but not in so many flavors. I frankly think the actual chocolate tastes kinda blah, but I love all the fillings.  My favorite is the strawberry yogurt filling.  Or maybe raisins and hazelnuts. Or maybe the white chocolate with hazelnuts.

The often release special limited flavors, last summer it was stracciatella gelato (which was really like ice cream), mango peach in white chocolate, and wild-berry yogurt.  I would never become a “Ribhead” but I would happily wander around Germany to get those flavors again if it would do any good.

The slogan in German “Quadratisch. Praktisch. Gut.” (“Square. Practical. Good.”)  Frankly, I think this says it all.

Frohes Neues Jahr: New Year’s Celebrations in Munich

I decided to go easy on the resolutions this year and only made three.

1. Keep working on the blog over the year. Check!

2. Write about the New Year’s Firework Extravaganza in Munich. Check!

3. Finish dissertation. That will take a bit longer.

So last night I went with a friend to watch the fireworks from Wittlesbacherbrücke. If you are like me, an American that is, you are probably used to the sanctioned fireworks displays that are paid for by the city in which you live. These are all choreographed, often to music, and are put on by experts. In Munich things are a bit different. The fireworks are provided by everyone in town who buy tons of their own to shoot off willy-nilly.

Of course we do that in the States, but these displays are for the family on the 4th of July in the backyard. We do not go out as a city and shoot off serious fireworks together.

What followed last night was some amazing fireworks with some requisite danger thrown in to boot.

All Quiet on the Western Front (save a few fireworks)

Snow comes in handy for setting these guys up

S's Fire Dance

I taught S some important American English fireworks related phrases (i.e. Ooooo, Ahhhh)

Freezing together!

My favorite photo of the night, probably because it came out blueish

Why hold on to sparklers when you can set the tree branches on fire

Getting close to midnight

Now things are getting started

Soon there were so many fireworks it was bright as day

Second favorite photo of the night

Happy New Year!

And just in case you haven’t had enough, here you can experience it yourself in blurry iPhone video form. Enjoy!

Food Friday: Glühwein

I know this is a beverage and not a food. You need not point it out. I am writing about it to continue the Christmas theme and because my friend living in Cambodia asked what the hell is it. (Except since she is a Christian missionary, she didn’t swear).

Glühwein is simply mulled wine. You find it at Christmas markets around Germany.  You need it to 1.) warm your hands and 2.) convince yourself it is not cold out, which only works if you are drunk. You can also get your Glühwein mit Schuss, a shot of rum or amaretto or something.  I find that rather gross, unless it is made a certain way. If you are like me (i.e. a bit of a pyromaniac) you only want to have a shot of alcohol in your wine if it is going to be set on fire. This is called Feuerzangenbowle (literally fire-tongs punch). They take a lump of sugar, soaked it in rum and then set it on fire. Good times, good times!

The Feuerzangenbowle stand at Tollwood. Yay, fire!!!

The little lip holds the sugar cube. Trust me, this is on fire. You just cannot see it 😉

For me the best place to get Glühwein in Munich is the Medieval Christmas Market near Odeonsplatz.  There you can also have Weissglühwein, which as the name lets you know, is made with white wine. To me it is about 84.7 times better than the traditional red.

So I lift my Glühwein Medieval Market terracotta chalice to you and say Frohe Weihnachten!

Note: From last Christmas. I lost those gloves, which sucks because they were warm. I also miss my hair