Food Friday: NSFV

This of course stands for Not Safe For Vegetarians. Admittedly, this label could be applied to almost all of Munich. The vegetarian option is usually cheesy noodles. Be warned! They often throw in some bacon for good measure.

Today on the Food Friday menu we have  Schweinshaxn. Before I tell you what that is, here is a picture (totally saved myself a 1000 words).

 

Hint: It is not the dumpling or the red cabbage

That is right! Schweinshaxn (which is the Bavarian spelling) is roasted pork knuckle. Yum???

As you might expect the meat of the ham hock is not particularly tender. As a reliable source explains, “since this piece generally consists of much skin, tendons and ligaments, it requires long cooking through stewing or braising to be made palatable.” Notice it does not say tasty or delicious. It just says palatable.

If you were out all day farming you might be hungry enough for this meal. Also it makes sense to use every part of an animal. Waste not blah blah… I however sit at a desk all day or play “zombie attack” with children so I don’t really require all the fat, skin, tendons, etc.  I also have taste buds and a weak stomach, so I steer clear of this dish.

Generally, I just try to avoid most pork products. [Except bacon. Who can resist that stuff?!]  This is extremely difficult in Munich. Germany ranks 5th in the world of the most pork consumed per person. Austria is number 1.  I am pretty sure Munich can be considered to have been annexed by Austria in this instance.

My Favorite Things Thursday: Modal Verbs

Sometimes I think my German is getting better.  After all, I can ask for what I want at the store, understand a movie, and sometimes speak over the phone. But then I try to help a six year old with his homework, and I realize, “Nope, I am still a German language moron.”

How do I deal with this?  Well I try to construct easier German sentences. How do I do this, you might ask. (OK, you are probably not asking, but I will tell you anyway.)  The answer is modal verbs. Words like können (can), sollen (should), and müssen (must) I use a lot. Why is this the answer?  Because these are easy to conjugate and then all you have to do is stick the main verb at the end without conjugating it.  Done and done. I just sound like a weirdo always talking about things a can, should, and must do.

In case you think German grammar is dull (what is wrong with you?), here are some other favorite things.

1. Women in fur coats in 50 degree weather.

2. Young women totally rocking capes.

3. Men using cigarette holders a la Audrey Hepburn.

 

“I’ll Grant you This”: What I have Learned about Applying for Fellowships

It’s that time of year again. The time when all good little graduate students are frantically trying to write and submit grant applications. If there were a Charmed-style demon that fed off anxiety, he simply could go to any graduate reading room during these months for his fear smorgasbord. (I am pretty sure there was one. He was played by the same actor who was the creepy bad guy in Brisco County Jr.)  This year I have been ordered to finish my dissertation and NOT to apply for any grants, fellowships, or stipends. Does this mean that Barbas (Demon of Fear according to the Charmed Wiki) would starve around me? Of course not! I am afraid of everything. Right now I am anxious about not being worried about grant applications. Since I can’t work on grant proposals by order of my Doktorvater, I thought I would reflect on what I have learned from writing (sometimes successfully) fellowship/grant proposals.

1. The most significant thing I have learned from this experience is just how much my dissertation lacks any sort of relevance or importance. This realization comes early on in the grant writing process, as you sit there staring at the flashing cursor on the blank Word document trying to come up with a way to sell your project.
2. Whether you win or not is a total crap shoot. I have a friend who was passed over completely for a relatively easy grant to win but was awarded one of the most prestigious fellowships in the field. Why didn’t the first funder see the merits of her awesome project? For the answer I turn to the host of “In Search of…”, Mr. Leonard Nimoy. Take it away, Spock.  “Like the mysteries of Bigfoot or Stonehenge, the secret of how to win grants is something we may never know.” [Cue music and credits]
3. If you the applicant are responsible for making the 13 photocopies that they require, there is no chance that you are going to win this. Why? This suggests that there are so many applicants for this one grant that the funder would go bankrupt just by photocopying all the applications for its reviewing committee.
4. Don’t be cute or use flowery language. I have learned this more from reading tons of grant proposals than from writing them. At first I was really impressed. After all, it seems so cheesy to start a proposal with, “My dissertation is about…” However, after you have read about 20 of these you just want the person to tell you what the hell he/she is working on and why he/she needs the goddamn money.
5. The pdf/word doc application forms are never easy to fill out on your own computer. These are designed by cave dwellers whose only joy in life is torturing applicants who are in a rush to fill these out.
6. No matter how many times you proofread your CV, you will discover mistakes and typos in it the next time you dig it out.  On the positive side, you can use these mistakes to rationalize why you did not win the last fellowship. “Oh, I didn’t get it because there is a typo in one of the titles of my publications! It was not because my project sucks.”
7. The committees don’t read narrative CVs or autobiographies. Why do they make you do this? Are they simply sadists? No! If you can make it through the horrible experience of trying to write about yourself without sounding like a prick, then you must have a will of iron.  (By the way, unless you have a “Commie” hunting grandfather and are now working on Soviet art history, this autobiography is going to be pretty boring or irrelevant.)
8. If you are applying for anything in Germany, go and have your passport photos made now. They are always required. I have been told this is to insure the applicant’s identity. Considering the past, I still find it surprising that Germany would want to have anything to do with something that could be interpreted as profiling.
9. For your own piece of mind, you might not want to choose your recommenders on how well they know you or how well-known they are, but on how well they handle deadlines. It doesn’t matter how awesome their recommendations are if they never submit them.  That being said, I must be a masochist. I never choose with this criterion in mind.
10. Finally: Yes, you are trying to sell yourself for money. And yes, this is a horrible experience. But when you consider other forms of prostitution, namely real prostitution, you realize that you are a ridiculously over-privileged whiner who needs to shut up.  I have been lucky enough to have funding for every year of graduate school.  Not that I haven’t worked hard for this. I have. But I need to remind myself how fortunate I am that I get paid to do what I love.  [Unfortunately, this realization doesn’t last long. Now if only they would pay me a living wage and not this chump change.]

I thought I would end with this quotation from a very wise man:

“Personally, I liked working for the university! They gave us money and facilities. We didn’t have to produce anything. You’ve never been out of college. You don’t know what it’s like out there! I’ve worked in the private sector… they expect results!”

Manic Munich Monday: Germany v. America

When I got off the plane in Boston last week, I saw a large American flag hanging in Logan airport.  This made me tear up a bit. After all it had been more than a year since I was last in the country of my birth. I started thinking about all the wonderful things about America: spacious skies, amber waves of grain, and purple mountain majesties. I then turned the corner to move through passport control. The record of  “America, the Beautiful” in my head screeched to a halt. There in front of me was a line of epic proportions.  I had been on a seven hour flight after a three hour delay. Now I would have to wait another hour and a half to have Homeland Security stamp my passport.  No matter how many times the inspirational “Welcome to America” video cycled through, I could not recapture my patriotic feelings.

During the week in New England I experienced a mild form of culture shock. Coming back ‘home’ to Munich I decided to conduct a very scientific study as to which country is better. Both countries have done some pretty awful things, so certain categories are off the table. It is mostly going to be New England v. Munich since that is where I have recently spent the most time. The categories are arranged in no particular order and I have not decided the outcome in advance.

OK, here goes:

1. Family: They are in the States. Point America

2. Fall: New England in the fall can’t be beat. Point America

3. Drivers: Needs no explanation. Point Germany

4. iPhone plans: My German plan is almost 50 dollars less and it is great. Point Germany

5. Free public wifi: Very hard to find in Munich. Point America

6. Coffee: Even though New England had a Dunkin’ Donuts every 100 yards, the coffee in Germany is still better. However, you can get coffee at all hours. Draw.

 

Hazelnut, Milk, One Sugar=Jet Slap Cure

 

7. Yarn Stores: Point Germany

8. Wine: Even mediocre wine in the US is outrageously expensive. Point Germany

9. Pharmacies: Walgreens and CVS open 24 hours, 7 days a week. Point America

 

Look at all the stuff I can buy at 11pm!!!

 

10. Consumer culture: Look at all the crap I could buy in the US in the picture above. Point Germany.

11. TV: Almost every show on German TV is just dubbed American programs. Point America

12. Produce and organic foods. Point Germany

13. Coming into and out of the country. No problems getting back into Germany even with expired residence pass. Point Germany.

OK, let’s tally up the scores.

America: 5

Germany: 7

And it is Germany for the win. Ger-man-y! Ger-man-y! Ger-man-y! (It is so much easier to chant U-S-A, therefore America gets an additional point)

 

Silly Signs Sunday

HA! We’re back! (Car Talk reference #1). I thought I would write a new post instead of having you read tons of classic blog posts. And by classic we mean old. (Car Talk reference #2. Can you tell what I listened to all morning?) I am still suffering from Jet Slap (def: a bitch slap administered by time), so I thought I would do something easy. For me, that means making snarky comments about blurry pictures I took around town.

You got orange soda in my coke! You got coke in my orange soda! Together they taste like crap!

Oh Mezzo Mix, with your stupid slogan, “Cola kisses Orange”, what can I say about you? A lot actually.  Especially because I missed Food Friday. First of all, Mezzo Mix is the Coca-Cola brand of something known generically as Spezi. Spezi is just orange soda mixed with regular cola. A reliable source reports that “due to its thirst-quenching qualities, it is particularly popular in ski resorts and mountain huts, where it is often served in amounts of half a litre. By contrast, it is hardly ever seen in Vienna.” I think this is because the Viennese are not crazy. The Pepsi brand is called Schwip-Schwap, which is about 95.3 times more fun to say than Mezzo Mix. Try it! Come on, I know you want to.

What you shouldn’t try is Spezi. I think it tastes gross. Some flavors just shouldn’t come together. For example, orange and toothpaste. Imagine this sign with the man who represents cola replaced with a toothbrush covered with toothpaste and the blond woman (i.e. orange soda) still kissing it, and you would feel the same nauseous feeling I do when I look at this ad. (Don Draper, between drinks and sleeping with his mistresses, just let me know that I will  never have a career in advertising.)

Refrigerator Heaven?

The chain of electronics stores here in Germany is called Saturn.  They sell printers, computers, music, household appliances, etc. Their spokesperson is Alice Cooper, which makes perfect sense to me. However, I don’t think they are really tapping into to his full potential. This is an ad for a washing machine on a bus shelter near where I live. Yes, this washer is pretty cool with its super fast programs, varied washing cycles, and life-time warranty.  But I would be more impressed if it showed Alice Cooper (birth name: Vincent Damon Furnier) doing the wash after one of the stage shows. The copy could read, “Look, it gets out fake blood,  guillotine grease, and electric chair scorch marks!”  Or, “It gets the whiskey out of the lace.” (Take that Don!)

Scarves Optional

This is a Colorforms-like ad on the windows of a salon near me. I am pretty sure the guy in the back is saying, “Do you really want your hair to look like that? It kinda looks like you are one of those poor schmucks the Weather Channel sends out into storms to report that it is indeed windy and miserable.”

Sometimes on the U-Bahn I see a group of teenage German boys each with their hair styled in a similar fashion. Although, I am pretty sure that they text each other in the morning to make sure nobody’s hair is pointing in the same direction.

P.S. Can someone please get me Colorforms for Christmas. Their slogan is “Even more fun today than when we were kids!”, which makes me wonder what these adults are using them for. According to the company, Colorforms are “playful, imaginative, creative, open-ended, approachable, clean,  and easy.” And more importantly, “reusable, repositionable, and forgiving.“

Wunder Wednesday: Innenstadt

It’s clean…too clean.

Since I am about to board a plane for a week/long trip in the US, I thought instead of writing about a specific place here, I would write about all of central Munich. Why? Because it is so damn clean. Also because it will be a week before I am surrounded by this level of cleanliness again, I wanted to celebrate our fair city.

I first thought Munich was kept this way by some sort of elves who totally lost out when they were assigning elf jobs.

(Ok! Listen up people. Group A, you guys get to save Middle Earth. Group B, you’re helping Santa. Group C, get to baking cookies, especially those grasshoppers–those are delicious. Group D, uh…let’s see what’s left…um…go and keep Munich tidy.)

But then I started seeing who is really responsible, people like these men.

Not only is he washing the bus stop shelter, he has to put up with the “advice” of this woman. I salute you, sir.

Ode to a German Backpack

“Thou still unravish’d bride of quietness!

Thou foster-child of silence and slow time”

Now that I have made very clear that the back pack cannot speak, I will speak for it. First, I want to defend its honor.  It is not an item for nerds or school children as it might be in the States.  Oh no, many a Municher regardless of age carries one. And, yes I know I don’t look as professional as I would if I was carrying some other type of bag, but my shoulders are not grossly misaligned and my back doesn’t kill me. I think this is a fair trade.

Furthermore, this backpack is essential for life here in Munich. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

1. Mesh side pockets. Don’t be fooled into thinking these are for water bottles.  No sir! When on your back, the one on your right side is for your umbrella. This allows you quick access to this much-needed item for those rainy Munich days (aka more than half of the year).   The other pocket should be devoted to baguettes, which you stop to get on your way home from work. The cinching strap above to pocket is not only there to make the bag smaller, but also to hold the top part of your loaf of bread in place.

2. Antiquated cell phone-shaped pocket: Excellent container for Altoids tins, which you have to import into Germany if you want them.

3. Center zipper pocket: Holds the necessary sweaters and scarves to make cold reading rooms bearable.

4. Elastic bands attached to straps so that you can buckle it across your chest: Are you kidding!? I am not that much of a dork. They are great to play with when you are waiting for the subway.

Sadly, right after I purchased my backpack it was gravely injured.  I took it with me on my road trip around Burgundy with my friend K. Trying to save money I threw some extra bread and butter packs into the bag for lunch. As we got horribly lost on our aborted trip to Conques  (France is much bigger that you might think), I forgot about the sustenance in my rucksack.  I returning to the hotel later that night, I reached into the front pocket to find my iPod. It and everything else was covered in butter.

I soon learned that you cannot get butter out of a book bag.  For many months I went around smelling like rancid butter. But it was worth it, since I learned a valuable lesson…

“Rancid butter smell is truth, truth rancid butter smell,” – that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know

Manic Munich Monday: Socks

I had to go shopping for a few things downtown today.  This experience gave me plenty of fodder for my Monday whining session.

1. Tourists who are impolite to the men and women selling Biss Magazines, because they do not understand that it is sold by homeless or once homeless individuals and is about important social issues. [If you are in Munich and have a little extra cash you should pick up a copy.  I am not talking about this anymore, because I can’t make jokes about it]

2. Terrible street performers who feel the need to use amplification.

3. The zoo that is H&M/the organization at Zara. (This is why I never buy any of their crap).

But no!  I want to complain about something that strikes fear into my very heart.

She is gesturing in this way because she is thinking "ugh! Why did I think this was a good idea!?"

Sandals/open-toed shoes with socks!!!  I know fashion designers and stylists were pushing them in a lot of the Fall 2010 shows. Nevertheless, this is a terrible idea.  Also here in Germany it is way too close to the long-standing tradition in men’s and women’s fashion of wearing socks (usually black) with shoes that have no business being paired with chunky socks.

Still, why am I so horrified?

Because I can totally see myself falling victim to this.  I have already come dangerously close.

If you would like to save me from this fate. You can distract me by giving me something from this MAC make-up line.

Disney Villainesses Inspired Make-Up!

 

Salmagundi Sunday: My Favorite Things Meets Food Friday

I was more than a bit of a slacker this week with the blog and missed my favorite day, Food Friday. Try as we might, we humans can never go back in time. (Unless we inexplicably have a crazy scientist friend and a DeLorean). Therefore, I am combining Thursday and Friday’s posts into one.  The subject is the Österia, my favorite restaurant in Munich. I am stealing photos from their website.

[What is Salmagundi? A reliable source says it is 1. a salad plate of chopped meats, anchovies, eggs, and vegetables arranged in rows for contrast and dressed with a salad dressing or 2. a heterogeneous mixture. Obviously, my title refers to definition number 1]

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1. The name.  A mix of osteria (literally translated from Italian it means a place where the owner hosts people) and Österreich (German for Austria). You gotta love puns.  Also it feels very much like a neighborhood place. Maybe because it is in my neighborhood.

2. I also love the atmosphere and decor.

 

Front of the Restaurant

 

 

The 'back' of the restaurant

 

3. The food is amazing. Thursday night I had pasta in an orange infused sauce with crab. For dessert I had chocolate gateau (the top part was like a brownie, the rest smooth creamy chocolate) with some sort of sorbet on the side.

 

I know this is a blurry picture, but I was taking it in a dark restaurant with my iPhone surreptitiously

 

As my friend said the next night, “how is any of this Austria?”  My answer, “well, Wiener Schnitzel is always on the menu.”

4. The Wine, which is in fact all Austrian. It comes from Oesiwine which is next door and is really all part of the same thing. Now you might say,  “Austrian wine??? I have had Grüner Veltliner and was not all that impressed.” And I would answer, “But that is why the wine here is so amazing. It is ridiculously good and they know how to pair things.”  [Alternatively, you might say, “This is a boring blog post.” My answer would then be full of obscenities.]

So if you are in Munich and looking for a great place to eat check it out.  If you do, you better damn well invite me.

Wunder Wednesday: Asamkirche

Not far from Sendlinger Tor is my absolutely favorite place in Munich, the Asamkirche.

If you think this is over-the-top, just wait

This amazing Rococo church is made even more amazing because it was built by Egid Quirin Asam, a  sculptor and architect, along with his brother to serve as his own private church.  I have to respect someone who uses their entire life savings to construct a church for themselves.

To accomplish this Egid Quirin bought four houses along Sendlingerstrasse.  The southern most he used for his own living quarters. The next two were for his church and the last was for the priest.  The Munichers were not too thrilled that he wasn’t go to have to open to the public. Somehow they managed to persuade him.  Even though he was constructing this in the middle of the 18th century, I found a video of the method the citizens of Munich probably used.

I don’t blame them. First, Herr Asam had blocky shoulders and a flat head. Second, it is the inside of the church that is really unbelievable.

When I describe this church to people, as say it is as if someone vomited stucco and gilt everywhere

Strangely enough the stucco, gilding, stain glass, and painted ceiling harmonize perfectly. It is as if you have step into a little jewel box. I have been inside many times and each time I go I see something new.