So here I am waiting for it to begin. It is almost time for the Olympics of music competitions. I can already predict that there will be a lot of sequins and fans. I wonder if there has ever been a horrible sequin-in-the-eye mishap. From the views of Dusseldorf they are showing, I can tell that I am not going to be impressed when I go to a conference there in June. In happier news I have discovered a Eurovision Song Contest drinking game on The Guardian’s website. Here are some of the places you take a drink:
– The hosts misguidedly attempt to flirt with each other
– A song rhymes ‘fire’ with ‘desire’
– While announcing their country’s voting scores, a presenter unsuccessfully tries to chat up the host
The last one I find the most awkward. This feeling is not helped since the presenter is usually clothed in beauty-pageant wear.
21:00 The main sponsor is the hair product brand Schwarzkopf (lit. blackhead). This always makes me laugh. They just welcomed those watching alone (me) or in parties (not me).
21:03 Since Lena, last year’s winner, is competing she can’t sing her song as is usual at the beginning, so the host are singing. It is truly horrific, but they are making fun of her strange pronunciation of English words so I approve. The song is not improved by singing it in the style of Brian Setzer. And now a bunch of girls dressed up like Lena (black dress and long brown hair) are waving different flags around.
21:07 OMG Lena has taken the stage after all to help them butcher a song she has sung a trillion times! It must be weird to be surrounded people in a you-costume.
21:13 Paradise Oskar is singing a song he wrote for the Finns’ entry called “Da Da Dam” (which surprisingly is the mind-blowingly deep chorus). And with the opening lines, “Peter is smart, he knows his European country by heart” he is off to a fantastic start. It apparently is cute little song about a little Finnish boy trying to save the planet. Maybe the Finns are going for simplicity since it worked for Lena last year. From Wikipedia I find out Paradise’s real first name is Axel. WTF?! Why change a name that Eddie Murphy made famous?!
Look man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe
21:18 Bosnia & Herzegovina…Two words: Plaid Jacket. Maybe I am now biased towards Bosnia, but I kinda like the song and the bit of horn music.
21:21 A Friend in London sings their song “A New Tomorrow.” I might be biased towards Denmark now, but I hate this song. The positivity of the first three songs is making me ill. If only America could compete, we could offer up a song about shooting terrorists in the eye. The guitarist had to run to another part of the stage it was about a 500 meter run (it was kinda like when Denethor of Gondor ran on fire to jump to his death.) They must not be singing live or the Danes are in great shape, because he is not even winded.
21:26 Lithuania: ok my new drinking game is to take a drink when someone says tomorrow. Fog machine, white piano, and male pianist wearing a white tux. Only Tom Hanks in Big could pull that one off. (There you go, Kate).
21:29 They are showing pictures of the Viktualienmarkt in Munich! Go Munich!
21:30 Hungary has Kati Wolf singing “What about my Dreams?” She wants to be Celine, but it is not working out. Oh wait dance beat starts, she wins the future! She is very thin but her shiny blue dress is giving her stomach pouch. (Memo to self: avoid stomach pouch dresses). There are male dancers in the back wearing the Hungarian uniform for white guys trying to look cool: Fubu. Now the Fubunauts’ wrists and crotches are glowing. Finally! This is why I watch this show, glowing crotches.
21:34 The band Jedward from Ireland is wearing shiny red jackets that Bowie would drown a kitten for. Their video display in the background looks like a Target ad. I want to buy some throw pillows now.
These are toned down from what they wore
21:37 The Shhhvidish guy, named Eric (I kid not), has magic frames a la the “Take On Me” video but behind the frames they just look dumb and not like 80s drawings. He is trying to use a non-subliminal message to win by saying he will be popular. Nice try. Now I know what the frames are supposed to represent…they are mirrors into which our little Swedish Stuart Smalley can look into and convince himself that “people like me.”
21:42 Estonia: I am pretty sure Jack McBrayer is one of the dancers; he is decidedly chinless and does the wide-eyed thing.
Not Pictured: Kenneth the Page
21:45 The Greek guys (again only guys, Greece?!) are kind of scary looking. Their song is called “Watch my Dance.” Ok then, I will. F-Bomb! Greek pop mixed with bad English rap, Aristotle would be so proud. Their backdrop is made up of ionic columns. Thanks for the reminder that once you guys produced good stuff. All I can think of is are we only on number nine?
21:49 Russia has a guy singing a song called “Get You.” I think he is singing in English, but I can’t concentrate because of the 90s boy band dance moves. Backflip, while lip-syncing. I am impressed.
21:53 The French guy is singing a song called “Sognu”, while Bolero plays in the background. His hair is a little like Opera Man’s. Wow, way too much of my brain is taken up remembering old SNL characters. This song sucks, and I am not saying this because my iPhone was stolen in Paris.
21:57 The Italians have a ‘jazz’ song called “Madness Of Love.” The singer has been enjoying too much of his mama’s cooking, and that lame joke is all I can make about this lackluster performance/song.
22:02 Switzerland! My least favorite European country! The girl’s song is called “In Love for Awhile.” A ukulele cannot save this. Her background is like a Jimmy Dean Sausage commercial.
22:06 The UK’s group Blue is singing a song “I Can.” Interwebs correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t the UK in last place last year? They are dressed in blue suits with cummerbunds and their black shirts unbuttoned, making them look like drunk, douchey members of a wedding party. I have been an Anglophile my entire life. This is making me question my unconditional love.
When I looked up a picture of Blue, I got a horrible nude picture of one of the singers. My eyes, my eyes!
22:11 Moldova is up next. I had to look up where Moldova is, but that didn’t explain to me why they are wearing wizard hats. Now there is a girl in a white lacey dress on a unicycle with a white wizard hat. You think you would get someone good at unicycling for this.
You can see the fear in her face
22:15 Good luck and we are pressing our thumbs, for LENA!!! This year she has sprung for backup dancers in silver leotards and a jumpsuit (bad choice). The dancers aren’t dancing, they are doing choreography and really do look like “ducks that are dying.” Lena is going for a slutty, drunk girl look to distract from this song that is going nowhere fast.
"I am so over Eurovision!"
22: 20 Romania is going to change the world, but not alone. The drummer apparently borrowed the Bosnian singer’s jacket.
22:24 Austria’s girl is starting a capella and is telling me that the secret is in me…it’s love! The music is a little like the build-up part of “Without You.” When it crescendos though to the chorus you realize that that song is amazing and this song blows.
22:27 Azerbaijan. I love saying Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Try it! Their song is called “Running Scared” and the girls are wearing white toga like dresses and dancing like the Hermoine Gingold and her pals in Music Man. “One Grecian Urn!”
22:31 Slovenia’s Maja Keuc sings “No One.” I already like the depressing feel and the leather fingerless gloves. She says she is going to stand on her own without you (shit boyfriend), while standing with a bunch of backup singers. Just remember the message of this song, no one will ever really love you. Take that other countries with your messages of hope and love.
22:38 Sjonni’s Friends from Iceland will sing a song called “Coming Home.” Have I ever mentioned I much I love the name of the Icelandic historian Snorri Sturluson? Well now I have. Holy crap! Why has Iceland sent their version of the Osmond brothers? And why are they using a Partridge Family background? I have seen praise bands cooler than these guys. Seriously the piano they are using looks like one in a church basement.
I think there is some emotional story behind this song, but I don't care
22:41 Oh thank god, we are on number 22! Spain! Take it away! They are singing Que Me Quiten Lo Bailao which Google translate tells me means “Remove me what Bailao.” Indeed! It is catchy and the lead singer girl is cute.
22:44 They are showing Ukrainian students in the English Garden here in Munich. See Germany won’t throw you East Europeans out right away. Now Ukraine presents a song called “Angel.” The blonde singer is wearing a dress with feather epaulets. I have seen classier outfits on your country’s figure skaters. Honey, you want to suggest an angel not be one. Remember what happened to the overly literal Belarussian with butterfly costumes last year?
22:49 Serbia has Nina singing Čaroban which means magical. Nina has Twiggy hair and British 60s dances moves to match. I kinda love it, but that is probably because my dad named me after a 60s British actress.
My namesake
22:53 Georgia wraps up the performances with “One More Day.” One more song is more like it! Screaming, flashing lights, men wearing eyeliner. Georgia hates you!
Alright the lines are open! Vote now. I think I am voting for Bosnia or maybe Ireland.
But I Don't Like Beer: Life in Munich 
our reading of PFT’s recaps has definitely conditioned you for this experience. thus, i will now share my fave moments:
1. “They must not be singing live or the Danes are in great shape, because he is not even winded.” (also: what can Denmark do? run. that’s the answer.)
2. “Only Tom Hanks in Big could pull that one off. ” YES!
3. Fubunauts.
4. “The Shhhvidish guy, named Eric (I kid not), has magic frames a la the “Take On Me” video but behind the frames they just look dumb and not like 80s drawings” Reference to a literal video? now you are just showing off. i love it.
5. “The dancers aren’t dancing, they are doing choreography and really do look like “ducks that are dying.”” Danny Kaye! Your recaps are the best ever!
You know what this means, right? Every week I will ask you to recap some European variety show. I hope you have time for that.